Today is Thursday, April 9. Tomorrow is Good Friday. Between allergies, quarantine food, and lack of motion I’m feeling rather “Meh”. Something has to give.
While editing tomorrow’s Quilt-Along post, I clicked on my Thanksgiving post from 2018. It brought the memories flooding back. The shock of Seth’s diagnosis, the constant hope that he would be ok, the blur of all the trips into San Antonio, and the loss.
My head is spinning with everything that needs to be done. The world is quarantined and I know there are opportunities out there as we watch society crash & burn. However, the forced seclusion is giving me anxiety to the point that I’m having trouble concentrating on my quilting business. Does anyone else out there feel the same?
I’m an introvert. This is supposed to be my time to shine.
I have dozens of blog posts that need to be written so I can get the photos off my cameras.
I have a podcast to get up and running, but I’m allowing the steep learning curve to intimidate me to no end. And why would people want to talk to me?
I live in organized chaos because the world shut down before I could go furniture shopping.
The uncertainty of the current world status has me missing Seth more than ever.
And there lies the crux of the matter. I’m still grieving. In silence. Alone. On the outside I look calm, ready to face the world. On the inside, I’m screaming in frustration, terrified of moving forward without his guidance, and queasy. Afraid that if I die of the virus, our daughter will be left alone.
I’m falling into my old pattern of non-action because of fear. I’m allowing my bad habits to control my existence and that needs to change.
I need order. I need self-discipline. I need my internal dialogue to hush long enough for me to think. And I need my chiropractor.
Today I will create a list of what needs to be accomplished, with bullet points of how to get things done.
Today I will tackle these infernal allergies and sinus problems so my head isn’t swimming.
Today I just needed to vent to the Ether for a moment.
Today I will be productive, just not in the way I had hoped.
Today I will take a mental health day.